A Vietnamese funeral (đám tang) is rarely a single event. It is a sequence of rituals that begins in the first hours after a death and continues, in many families, for two years or more. It draws on Buddhism, Confucian ideas of family duty, folk belief, and for many families Catholicism, all held together by the practice of honoring one’s ancestors.
Families across Orange County keep these traditions alive, often with small adaptations for life in America. Customs differ from region to region, from family to family, and between Buddhist, Catholic and other faiths, so treat this guide as an overview rather than a rulebook. When in doubt, the family elders, the temple or the parish will know what your family observes.
Why the rituals matter
At the heart of Vietnamese mourning is the belief that the relationship between the living and the dead continues. Children and grandchildren show filial piety (hiếu) by caring for a parent’s body, seeing the soul off properly, and keeping their memory through offerings on the family altar. Doing this well is a duty, and families often feel it deeply, especially when they live far from the hometown where their ancestors are buried.
That is also why many families want a loved one laid to rest in Vietnam, in the family plot. If that is your family’s wish, our guide to bringing a loved one home to Vietnam explains how it works.
The altar and the vigil
After the body is prepared, the family sets up an altar in front of the casket. It usually holds a framed portrait of the person who died, candles, an incense bowl, flowers, fruit and other offerings. Relatives take turns keeping watch so that the person is never left alone, and visitors light incense and bow before the altar as they arrive.
Most families hold a viewing or wake that lasts a day or more, so relatives can travel in and the community can pay respects. In Vietnam this often happens at home. In the United States it usually takes place at a funeral home, a temple, or a church.
Mourning clothes and white headbands
In Vietnamese tradition, white, not black, is the color of mourning. Close family members wear white mourning clothes or a white headband (khăn tang) during the funeral. The style of the headband, and sometimes a mark of color on it, shows each person’s relationship to the one who died, so a child, a grandchild and a great-grandchild may wear them differently. Families follow their own region’s custom, and the eldest relatives usually decide.
Guests are not expected to wear white. Dark, simple clothing is appropriate. Bright colors, especially red, are best avoided.
Prayers: monks, priests and sutras
For Buddhist families, monks or nuns from the family’s temple chant sutras (tụng kinh) during the wake and the funeral to guide the soul peacefully onward. The temple may also advise on the timing of the burial or cremation, and some families consult a calendar or a monk to choose an auspicious date and hour.
For Catholic families, the priest leads prayers for the dead and a funeral Mass. The Church allows Vietnamese Catholics to keep the customs of ancestor veneration, so many families combine the Mass with the family altar, the portrait, incense and white mourning headbands, and hold memorial Masses afterward, often on the 30th day, the 100th day and each anniversary. Families of other faiths, or of none, often blend what feels right to them.
Condolence envelopes and how to pay respects
Guests commonly bring a condolence gift of money in a white envelope (phúng điếu), which helps the family with the cost of the funeral. Flowers and wreaths are also common. When you arrive, it is customary to greet the family, light a stick of incense if one is offered, and bow before the altar.
- Dress: dark or muted colors; white only if you are family.
- Gift: a white envelope with cash, handed to the family or left at the designated table.
- At the altar: light incense if it is offered, hold it with both hands, bow, and place it in the bowl.
- Words: a simple "I am sorry for your loss" (in Vietnamese, xin chia buồn) is enough.
Burial or cremation
Burial has long been the traditional choice, because a grave gives descendants a place to visit and tend. Cremation has become much more common, particularly among Buddhist families, who often keep the ashes at a temple where monks continue to pray for the dead.
The Catholic Church has permitted cremation since 1963, while still preferring burial. Its 2016 guidance (opens in a new tab) asks that ashes be kept in a sacred place, such as a cemetery or church columbarium, and not scattered, divided among relatives, or kept at home.
Some families choose both: cremation here, a service in Orange County, and then the ashes carried home to Vietnam. Our guide to traveling with or shipping cremated remains covers the practical side.
The ceremonies that follow
Mourning does not end with the funeral. Many Vietnamese families observe a series of ceremonies over the following months and years. Names and exact timing differ between families and regions, but the common milestones are:
- The third day after burial. The family visits the grave for a ceremony often called mở cửa mả, "opening the grave door."
- Every seven days, up to the 49th day. Buddhist tradition holds that the soul spends 49 days between lives, so families offer prayers each week. The 49th-day ceremony (lễ 49 ngày, or chung thất) is usually held at the temple and is one of the most important.
- The 100th day. The ceremony known as tốt khốc, "the end of weeping," marks the close of the most intense period of grief.
- The first anniversary (giỗ đầu, or tiểu tường). The first death anniversary is marked with a larger gathering and offerings.
- The second anniversary (đại tường). Traditionally this closes the formal mourning period, often called three years of mourning, and the white headbands are put away. Some families mark the end of mourning a little later.
- Every year after. The death anniversary (giỗ) becomes an annual family day of remembrance, with a meal and offerings on the ancestral altar.
Every family is different
Some families shorten or combine these ceremonies, especially when relatives live in different countries. There is no single correct way. What matters is that the family agrees on what it will observe.
Keeping the customs at an American funeral home
Most of these traditions travel well, but a few need planning. Cemeteries and venues set their own rules about incense, open flames, and burning paper offerings (vàng mã), so it helps to ask early. Monks and priests are busy, so the family should contact the temple or parish as soon as possible. And if the burial will take place in Vietnam, the family may want to hold the wake here, then hold the burial rites in the hometown.
At Heaven’s Gate, our staff speak Vietnamese and English and have served families in Orange County since 2007. Tell us what your family observes, and we will arrange the service that way, at the temple, church or cemetery you choose, and explain anything that needs a permit or permission.
If you are planning a service now, call us any time or see what we provide. There is no charge to talk it through.